Thursday, June 02, 2005

Time for a Lesson

The past 2 weeks have been a valuable lesson for me. I hope that my DH is getting as much out of it as I.

My DH and I have a running argument, it goes something like this:

Me: "You never talk to me, you come home from work, bathe the kids, help me get them into bed and then you go off and do your own thing, you don't even ask how my day was."
DH: "I am tired of talking, I talk to people all day long."
Me: "I am not 'people', I am your wife, you need to show interest in my life."
DH: "I am interested in your life, I am just tired of talking, and I need to have some time to myself."
Me: "You were at work all day long, you had an hour and half lunch hour, that is more than I had, I don't get a lunch hour with the kids all day long."
DH: "I saw patients through half my lunch hour and I ran errands after that."
Me: "You had time to run errands without the kids?!?!?! I would kill for that opportunity!"
DH: "You can run errands on Saturday when you get off work, you have way more time to yourself than I do, you have your running and I don't have time to myself.
Me: "Oh Yeah, well you can have all the time you...blah blah blah BLAH!!!
DH: "I give up, I just can't communicate with you."
Me: "Blah, Blah Blah, Yada Yada Yada, I don't know why you misunderstand everything I say. Blubber, blubber, sniffle.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? We have this same argument about 4 to six months. Then we both I feel better and we move on.

Now that I am working for Paul and I am with patients all day long, I understand a bit how he feels when he gets home from work. When I get home I am tired, I have been listening to myself talk all day long and I really don't have the energy to muster up a conversation with Paul, or anyone else for that matter. The phone rings and I just look at, I just don't have anymore talking in me. I needed this lesson.

I must say that I really don't get his argument about lunch hours. An hour and half for lunch to get things done and to run some errands rocks. Of course, I have no idea what Paul usually does around here that is not getting done because I am answering my e-mail during lunch instead of doing the important day-to-day paper work and trips to the bank and general business stuff that Paul gets done during this time. So it is not really a fair representation of what goes on around here.

I hope Paul is getting as much out of this role reversal as I am. I hope he is beginning to understand why I feel the need to be so organized and on top of things with the kids. Why I am desperate for adult conversation after hearing a four year old whine all day long. Why I need for an adult to show interest in my life after being surrounded all day long by young children, who are by their very nature self-centered and not all that worried about how mommy is feeling.

Perhaps we can have this argument less often after walking a mile or so in one an others shoes. My DH and I are working hard on improving our communication, might this be a step in the right direction? I dare say perhaps we I will only need this argument conversation once a year rather than 3 times.


Keeefer said...
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Keeefer said...

Aaaahhhh Saara & I do this with about the same frequency, so you are not alone.
I speak with people all day long and just dont want to talk when i get in. I want to sit, unwind, relax and de stress. All Saara wants to do is some more....stand in front of the telly so i have to listen....sidestep when i move my head so i can only see the bulge of Homers stomach etc, etc.

Now, about a year ago i had the reasoning behind all this explained to me whilst on a sales course that examins peoples buying habits etc.

It comes down to genetics and cavemen....believe it or not.
Apparently Men speak around 6,000 words a day. This is due to the fact that they had to be quiet while out hunting. It is why men can sit in bar hardly talking but still be enjoying themselves, while women are drumming their fingers on the table and being bored.
Women on the other hand speak on average 15,000 words a day! This is attributed to the fact that they stayed at the 'cave' and made noise to scare off predators. So when a Man gets home he has used his 6,000 words and needs to be quiet, whereas a woman is only halfway through and needs to talk.....Its why when we go to bed and the lights are off and we are oh so nearly asleep, your wifes voice says'did i tell you about......'

apl said...

I must be like a caveman because I have this "discussion" with my mom. She wants to tell me each and every detail of her day to day life and I like to keep my stuff to myself. Then she says I'm not interested in her life and am not ever willing to share with her. Glad you guys are using this role reversal to make progress on the relationship front.

Wudas said...

Yup, it's normal. What I want to know is why a man has to tell you the stuff he did in really fine detail and isn't interested in your details. Am I alone here?

Shannon said...

We don't have that problem. Our problem is Will not hearing me and not letting me know that he can't hear me. Will wants to hear about my day and I want to hear about his day. He does go into too much detail sometime and I only half listen when he does that. I know that sometimes I do the same thing and that he's not listening to me either.

It's usually Will who starts talking in bed as I'm falling asleep. He's finally stopped doing that.

DH said...

It is duly noted that my wife is using MY laptop for blogging, rather than the accounting she SHOULD be doing while supposedly working for me in the office. This should suffice to say that there will be NO excuses or complaints of time constraints when our year end accounting is expected to be done in 3 weeks...
with love!!!
DH (whatever that is- I'm sure I can guess)